Rocketman needs ID … in Southlake

Tuesday, August 15, 2023

LOCALNEWSONLY

HELP US IDENTIFY THIS ROBBING ROCKETMAN! On June 2nd at 5:07pm, this thief crocodile rocked on into our Central Market at 1425 East Southlake Boulevard. The jury was out in CID on who he most looked like, and while Alton Brown from the Food Network made a strong case, the overwhelming response was Elton John—so for the ease of reading, we shall refer to our thief as Elton.

Note: This is not Elton John.

Lucky for all of us, crime analyst Diana Smith also happens to be a fashionista and she was able to identify the myriad of floocy brands our bad guy wore, while the PIO nodded as if they understood and didn’t still shop at Kohl’s with Kohl’s cash on those hyper specific days you can use it. So Elton is basically starring in a one man thieving show today called “Buh-Buh-Buh-Bougie and the Theft.”

Elton had on Gucci mules, an Hermes belt, and multiple bracelets on both wrists, along with a hefty watch. His eyebrows were on fleek and he carried an actual purse (not a murse or a satchel or sling tote). It’s an actual purse, and hey, that’s ok because people can wear what they want and what makes them feel good. We’re just describing the fit. Rock on to Your Song, baby (just not while committing the crimes).

The PIO asked Diana if those were skinny jeans and Diana just said “oh, honey,” so yes, he’s wearing skinny jeans. A skinny blue-jean baby. We can’t see if he’s pretty-eyed though with the sunglasses, and maybe you could consider that a pirate smile? He also appears to have dyed red hair.

Lastly, Elton did that sweet half tuck of the shirt that men over 40 do when the shirt might be a little too big and if it hangs over your tum tum, you look bigger than you are, but you’re proud of how far your diet and exercise has gotten you (thanks Ozempic) and you want people to see that your tummy isn’t as big as a draped shirt appears, so you tuck the front and let it flow in the back, like a high end version of a mullet. Business up front, party in the back.

Elton shopped for around 40 minutes, loading up his cart with cheesecake, olive oil, eggs that cost $6 alone, and even a souvenir Central Market canvas tote for $29.99. As you can see from the pic, he ganked more stuff too but we don’t have the full itemized receipt, but early odds show it north of $350.

He then bypassed all registers without paying (ALLEGEDLY) and went good-bye on that yellow brick road to the parking lot and into a turquoise 2016 4-door Volvo XC70. bUt DiD yOu gEt tHe pLaTe?! Yes, we did, and Diana is following up on that.

Do you know this thief?! Do you have the Tiny Answer for us? We’d like to get Elton some new bracelets of the shiny silver locking kind, so if you recognize him, please reach out to crime analyst Diana Smith at 817-748-8915 or email her at dsmith@ci.southlake.tx.us. As always, you can contact us through our socials. We’ll let you know when he’s identified, but until then, He’s Still Standing out there.

Good luck gumshoes!